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Friday 19 December 2014

Not Quite a Prayer

I do not consider myself as a person who sticks to prayers although I have a tight prayer schedule. I pray 5 times a day: 6 a.m, 12 p.m, 3 p.m, 6 p.m, and 12 a.m. sometimes I add 3 a.m in my schedule. I pray Angelus, Rossary, Divine Mercy, and Novena. Telling you this, I don't mean to show off. On the contrary, I want to share my struggle in keeping the candle light.

My toughest one was when I was facing some sort of life-twist couple months ago. At that particular moment I found it was hard to pray. Instead of praying, I found myself drawning in such unpleasant silence that instantly drove me to an ugly sobbing.

At that moment, I chose not to pray. Yes, I ignored the schedule since I couldn't stand the horrible feeling that came everytime I closed my eyes. The time when my mind sank into a land of nowhere which was spookily dark and chilly.

I then usually spent my morning doing a simple meditation. Not quite a meditation, actually,  since all I do was inhaling, holding the breath for couple seconds, and then exhaling. I repeteadly did that for about 30 minutes.

I thought it was okay not to pray.

Until one day I got my wake-up call. The first was from my baby sister:
- "You still pray for me, don't you?"
- "Of course," I lied. "Why?"
- "Nothing. I need your prayer."

My heart sank down. Her words "I need your prayer" was like a bomb to  my ears.

No longer after that, my dearest friend asked me the same thing.
- "Pray for me, please."
- "I always pray for you." Again, I lied. I used to pray for him, twice a day, in my Rosary and Novena.

Oh my! I lied to persons I love the most, in one day, about the sacret thing named prayer!

Then, something came into my mind: I have to pray then, not for me, but for those beautiful people I love so dearly. They literally asked me for my prayer. And, as the matter of fact, the only thing I can offer them is my prayer. They have been spending their times to accompany and comfort me. It is my part to negotiate with the universe with my prayer to make sure of their happiness.

So, couple days ago I started praying: Angelus, Rosary, Divine Mercy, and Novena. It was hard, of course. But my sister and my best friend had become my fuel to this ritual.

Well, I know, it's not the end. I know I will face another battle due to my prayer habit. But, at least, I won this one. I won because I have beautiful angelic people beside me.

I may not a prayer, but when I do it, I hope I do it happily thinking of my beloved ones.


Pembatuan, December 19th, 2014

1 comment:

  1. Angelus, Rosary, Divine Mercy, and Novena

    ini nama2 doanya kah mbak agnes? nice sharing.... dian jadi tahu, kalau mbak agnes juga bangun dini hari...

    membuat dian jadi berpikir, kenapa dian akhir2 ini jarang melakukan ibadah tahajud juga dini hari..:(